So often in my training programs, i come across individuals who are full of issues that bog them down. .Questions they would like answered, complaints they want to share, feelings they want to vent. Difficult questions like "should i give my opinion at a meeting when everyone is sharing theirs?" "my boss is always dominating me...how do i disagree with him", "my co-workers push me to get too competitive, should i join the race? will i get left out"...and the list goes on. often there are no easy answers because the answer always starts with "it depends...". however, one of the questions i have often liked asking is, "Is it WORTH it...to YOU?" Is it important enough to you that you really want to "handle" this issue. Is this one of the situations that is critical to you and means something significant?"
Often we take ourselves too seriously forgetting that we only have that much bandwidth and that life's too short for too much angst. In terms of time, energy, attention spans etc, we cant be doing everything everytime with everyone. We cannot be fighting every battle to win. That would get exhausting! Its important to ask ourselves, "Am i seeing this problem to be so significant only because i am so close to it? Am i getting more involved in this one situation than is necessary? Can i take a few steps back and put it into perspective of the bigger scheme of things?"
One acid test that a friend once suggested while taking on any issue is to ask, 10 years from now, will this situation or this person still matter? Well, a tough question and not all of us are good predictors of the future, but it still makes us think about whether we have zoomed in too close and got overly-involved in the situation, getting emotionally over-invested in issues and things that have just assumed proportions that are unrealistically big? Just as when you look at an object holding it an inch away from your eyes, all you can see is the object and it looks bigger than it is and also appears blurred. Yet, take it farther a few inches and it gets smaller, clearer and takes on a different proportion. Similarly, i guess, if we start zooming out of situations to see them better and check if they really need the kind of attention and seriousness we are giving it, we can decide if it is worth prioritizing among other things in the limited bandwidth we have. Then we may choose to let some arguments go past us with us agreeing, because IT DOES NOT MATTER that much to win it. We may let some people have their way, we may let bosses tell us what to do even if you have a better idea, because its not significant enough to merit our total investment. this way we can then save up our reserves and use ourselves, our commnication, our time and energy to fight the battles that really matter. We will then do so more effectively and get noticed when it really counts. We will also have saved ourselves up to attend to the things that are important to merit our full commitment rather than be exhausted and pessimistic at those very pivotal moments.
Like a friend who is surfing matrimonial sites recently came across items that girls like for in a man. one of those is somthing called a 'GSOH'..a Great Sense Of Humor! and that is exactly what may help us put things in the right perspective to ask whether to laugh over them and let them pass without over investing in them or to take them by the horns and give it our best for what we believe is a significant outcome.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Friday, February 25, 2011
How Long....?
Patience is a virtue they say...but at what point does virtue become vice? At what point does patience become lethargy and complacence?
It is all very easy to say that good things come to those who wait but don t those who wait too much also get stale stuff that’s crossed its use-by date? When I was younger, I did training programs where between “flight or fight” I stood for “fight”... stay back, fight it out, wait for things to turn, “shraddha and saburi”, patience and faith, were the two things you had to have. Struggle to make things work, always argued that “flight” was the easy option and that’s also what I heard many other so-called gurus propound. Everyone said that fleeing out of a situation was easy, staying back to make it work was the tougher of the two. To stay in, reflect, learn, adapt were the signs of a mature response to unpleasant circumstances. That you had the power to change the situation. And my naive mind believed it, because so far I hadn’t really had to fly out of that unbearable a situation. My young blood believed that everything ultimately works out and that fleeing was for cowards. Only now I realise, that staying in and trying to fight is actually easier but exhausting over a period.
Optimism can be great but beware of it also blinding you to bitter reality. Staying in and hoping for things to change, believing you are being patient may be the more cowardly action. It does not have to experience the pain of separation, the trauma of tearing away from things and people familiar to you. The fear of the unknown that awaits you can be daunting and it requires a lot, a lot of courage to take that step to take flight out of an unpleasant situation. Staying in only requires resilience, an almost mule-like attitude, a thick skin and an ear that’s hard of hearing :) But flying out requires strength of wings, confidence and ability to go it alone, the willingness to move away from a life you have known and the risk of moving into a new unknown space.
one argues saying stay in, and do the thinking, learning, adapting and that’s all good to say only I realise that all this happens at the early stages of the wait...after a while one just gets acclimatized to the environment and then the need to think, learn etc slowly dies out and one settles into an uncomfortable comfort of the familiar, painful but familiar. Even the pain is familiar and that is comforting. Going on about analysis, intellectualization and hoping that all will soon be well makes one inert and there is a fear that years will pass without awareness of the clock ticking.
taking flight may not be what’s commonly advocated, but needs equal consideration at some time because when something starts to cause more pain that pleasure and the effort of trying saps out one’s energy, it is time to boldly and courageously stop thinking and trying and simply take flight...situations can never be fully analyzed and what could have been done and what wasn’t will never be a topic that has completed discussion. So at times, its time not for patience but for action....unless you want to have over ripe, rancid, stale stuff doled out to you.
It is all very easy to say that good things come to those who wait but don t those who wait too much also get stale stuff that’s crossed its use-by date? When I was younger, I did training programs where between “flight or fight” I stood for “fight”... stay back, fight it out, wait for things to turn, “shraddha and saburi”, patience and faith, were the two things you had to have. Struggle to make things work, always argued that “flight” was the easy option and that’s also what I heard many other so-called gurus propound. Everyone said that fleeing out of a situation was easy, staying back to make it work was the tougher of the two. To stay in, reflect, learn, adapt were the signs of a mature response to unpleasant circumstances. That you had the power to change the situation. And my naive mind believed it, because so far I hadn’t really had to fly out of that unbearable a situation. My young blood believed that everything ultimately works out and that fleeing was for cowards. Only now I realise, that staying in and trying to fight is actually easier but exhausting over a period.
Optimism can be great but beware of it also blinding you to bitter reality. Staying in and hoping for things to change, believing you are being patient may be the more cowardly action. It does not have to experience the pain of separation, the trauma of tearing away from things and people familiar to you. The fear of the unknown that awaits you can be daunting and it requires a lot, a lot of courage to take that step to take flight out of an unpleasant situation. Staying in only requires resilience, an almost mule-like attitude, a thick skin and an ear that’s hard of hearing :) But flying out requires strength of wings, confidence and ability to go it alone, the willingness to move away from a life you have known and the risk of moving into a new unknown space.
one argues saying stay in, and do the thinking, learning, adapting and that’s all good to say only I realise that all this happens at the early stages of the wait...after a while one just gets acclimatized to the environment and then the need to think, learn etc slowly dies out and one settles into an uncomfortable comfort of the familiar, painful but familiar. Even the pain is familiar and that is comforting. Going on about analysis, intellectualization and hoping that all will soon be well makes one inert and there is a fear that years will pass without awareness of the clock ticking.
taking flight may not be what’s commonly advocated, but needs equal consideration at some time because when something starts to cause more pain that pleasure and the effort of trying saps out one’s energy, it is time to boldly and courageously stop thinking and trying and simply take flight...situations can never be fully analyzed and what could have been done and what wasn’t will never be a topic that has completed discussion. So at times, its time not for patience but for action....unless you want to have over ripe, rancid, stale stuff doled out to you.
How Long....?
Patience is a virtue they say...but at what point does virtue become vice? At what point does patience become lethargy and complacence?
It is all very easy to say that good things come to those who wait but don t those who wait too much also get stale stuff that’s crossed its use-by date? When I was younger, I did training programs where between “flight or fight” I stood for “fight”... stay back, fight it out, wait for things to turn, “shraddha and saburi”, patience and faith, were the two things you had to have. Struggle to make things work, always argued that “flight” was the easy option and that’s also what I heard many other so-called gurus propound. Everyone said that fleeing out of a situation was easy, staying back to make it work was the tougher of the two. To stay in, reflect, learn, adapt were the signs of a mature response to unpleasant circumstances. That you had the power to change the situation. And my naive mind believed it, because so far I hadn’t really had to fly out of that unbearable a situation. My young blood believed that everything ultimately works out and that fleeing was for cowards. Only now I realise, that staying in and trying to fight is actually easier but exhausting over a period.
Optimism can be great but beware of it also blinding you to bitter reality. Staying in and hoping for things to change, believing you are being patient may be the more cowardly action. It does not have to experience the pain of separation, the trauma of tearing away from things and people familiar to you. The fear of the unknown that awaits you can be daunting and it requires a lot, a lot of courage to take that step to take flight out of an unpleasant situation. Staying in only requires resilience, an almost mule-like attitude, a thick skin and an ear that’s hard of hearing :) But flying out requires strength of wings, confidence and ability to go it alone, the willingness to move away from a life you have known and the risk of moving into a new unknown space.
one argues saying stay in, and do the thinking, learning, adapting and that’s all good to say only I realise that all this happens at the early stages of the wait...after a while one just gets acclimatized to the environment and then the need to think, learn etc slowly dies out and one settles into an uncomfortable comfort of the familiar, painful but familiar. Even the pain is familiar and that is comforting. Going on about analysis, intellectualization and hoping that all will soon be well makes one inert and there is a fear that years will pass without awareness of the clock ticking.
taking flight may not be what’s commonly advocated, but needs equal consideration at some time because when something starts to cause more pain that pleasure and the effort of trying saps out one’s energy, it is time to boldly and courageously stop thinking and trying and simply take flight...situations can never be fully analyzed and what could have been done and what wasn’t will never be a topic that has completed discussion. So at times, its time not for patience but for action....unless you want to have over ripe, rancid, stale stuff doled out to you.
It is all very easy to say that good things come to those who wait but don t those who wait too much also get stale stuff that’s crossed its use-by date? When I was younger, I did training programs where between “flight or fight” I stood for “fight”... stay back, fight it out, wait for things to turn, “shraddha and saburi”, patience and faith, were the two things you had to have. Struggle to make things work, always argued that “flight” was the easy option and that’s also what I heard many other so-called gurus propound. Everyone said that fleeing out of a situation was easy, staying back to make it work was the tougher of the two. To stay in, reflect, learn, adapt were the signs of a mature response to unpleasant circumstances. That you had the power to change the situation. And my naive mind believed it, because so far I hadn’t really had to fly out of that unbearable a situation. My young blood believed that everything ultimately works out and that fleeing was for cowards. Only now I realise, that staying in and trying to fight is actually easier but exhausting over a period.
Optimism can be great but beware of it also blinding you to bitter reality. Staying in and hoping for things to change, believing you are being patient may be the more cowardly action. It does not have to experience the pain of separation, the trauma of tearing away from things and people familiar to you. The fear of the unknown that awaits you can be daunting and it requires a lot, a lot of courage to take that step to take flight out of an unpleasant situation. Staying in only requires resilience, an almost mule-like attitude, a thick skin and an ear that’s hard of hearing :) But flying out requires strength of wings, confidence and ability to go it alone, the willingness to move away from a life you have known and the risk of moving into a new unknown space.
one argues saying stay in, and do the thinking, learning, adapting and that’s all good to say only I realise that all this happens at the early stages of the wait...after a while one just gets acclimatized to the environment and then the need to think, learn etc slowly dies out and one settles into an uncomfortable comfort of the familiar, painful but familiar. Even the pain is familiar and that is comforting. Going on about analysis, intellectualization and hoping that all will soon be well makes one inert and there is a fear that years will pass without awareness of the clock ticking.
taking flight may not be what’s commonly advocated, but needs equal consideration at some time because when something starts to cause more pain that pleasure and the effort of trying saps out one’s energy, it is time to boldly and courageously stop thinking and trying and simply take flight...situations can never be fully analyzed and what could have been done and what wasn’t will never be a topic that has completed discussion. So at times, its time not for patience but for action....unless you want to have over ripe, rancid, stale stuff doled out to you.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
The need to love or be loved...what’s greater?
The need to love or be loved...what’s greater?
When my son got a gift of a new playstation CD, I was annoyed once more. Wasn’t he watching enough TV and playing with the playstation quite enough already to be getting one more new game? Really! He was very excited and insisted I sit with him as he started it. I wasn’t keen to do. Wasn’t that much into bashing up the bad guys and unrecognizable aliens in assorted shapes and innumerable body parts. But what I saw then on the screen got me glued and touched me like few things have. This was no wham-bam game of killing and rescuing. It was something called Eye-pet, where a little creature (of rather unrecognizable species) hatches from an egg. It works with the hand held flashlight-like device with which you can touch things appearing on the screen and that’s how you nudge and touch a little egg on the screen and there emerges a little creature, part like a little monkey, a bit like a little lion cub but very very lovable all the same. It yelps, yawns and reaches out like a little baby. You can then feed it, pet it, caress it and feed it, like a little baby, a real pet. And if you don’t, it sulks and cries and reaches out to you. The mothering instinct was instantly awoken and I felt like cuddling and caring for the little pet. You also name it and Daniel named it “Yenil” to kind of rhyme with Daniel. But apart from the effect his had on me, I was amazed at what it did to Daniel.. here he was smiling a beatific smile, almost other-worldly, as he ‘took care” of Yenil. Getting concerned when Yenil could not reach out to the food and looked so sad and hungry, Daniel almost got worried. He petted it lovingly, looked after Yenil as if he were the sibling he does not have. He even wanted to finish his breakfast quickly because Yenil would wake up!! Run to the game in the morning to check on Yenil’s medical report since he had been sent to the medical care centre overnight since he was low in energy the previous evening when he finished playing with Daniel. It really brought tears to my eyes watching Daniel loveYyenil so much. Almost made me feel guilty at not having given him a sibling..but then that’s another story :)
What provokes me here if the realisation of a need that every human being, whether adult or child has...the need to love. The need to be loved, feel protected, feel taken care of are all needs that we are well aware of. But the need to love, to care for another and be responsible for another is another need just as large as the first. When you care and love another, it fills up some pieces in your heart one by one, making you feel complete, worthy and needed. Being loved in a passive way can only create a temporary sense of happiness, a very beautiful feeling no doubt and one that I would always have..but what I have been inspired to think of now is how to fulfil this need to love. What is also awakens in me painfully is the hunger that someone may feel when there is no one to care for or be responsible for. I know for some this may seem daunting and being independent and alone without “liabilities” is a feeling I respect. But having said that I would still want everyone to experience this. I saw the warm glow and beautiful smile it brought to Daniel’s face and I know that was total bliss.
But how about also providing others with the chance to love us and care for us. Being too independent, able to take care of oneself, not being affected if the other in your life does not look after you but boldly fulfilling all your needs on your own. Ever wondered what that would do to the significant others in your life. I suppose it would make them feel less wanted, less important and deny them that wonderful feeling of being able to care for you. So go ahead, depend on someone, sulk if they don’t do things for you, complain if they don’t hug you enough, let them do somethings that only they can do for you.i know I may have been guilty of not doing enough of this...and wish I could be more ‘dependent”. Anyone out there who wants to feel needed?? Reach out to me :) and anyone in need of looking after, we are able and wiling :)
When my son got a gift of a new playstation CD, I was annoyed once more. Wasn’t he watching enough TV and playing with the playstation quite enough already to be getting one more new game? Really! He was very excited and insisted I sit with him as he started it. I wasn’t keen to do. Wasn’t that much into bashing up the bad guys and unrecognizable aliens in assorted shapes and innumerable body parts. But what I saw then on the screen got me glued and touched me like few things have. This was no wham-bam game of killing and rescuing. It was something called Eye-pet, where a little creature (of rather unrecognizable species) hatches from an egg. It works with the hand held flashlight-like device with which you can touch things appearing on the screen and that’s how you nudge and touch a little egg on the screen and there emerges a little creature, part like a little monkey, a bit like a little lion cub but very very lovable all the same. It yelps, yawns and reaches out like a little baby. You can then feed it, pet it, caress it and feed it, like a little baby, a real pet. And if you don’t, it sulks and cries and reaches out to you. The mothering instinct was instantly awoken and I felt like cuddling and caring for the little pet. You also name it and Daniel named it “Yenil” to kind of rhyme with Daniel. But apart from the effect his had on me, I was amazed at what it did to Daniel.. here he was smiling a beatific smile, almost other-worldly, as he ‘took care” of Yenil. Getting concerned when Yenil could not reach out to the food and looked so sad and hungry, Daniel almost got worried. He petted it lovingly, looked after Yenil as if he were the sibling he does not have. He even wanted to finish his breakfast quickly because Yenil would wake up!! Run to the game in the morning to check on Yenil’s medical report since he had been sent to the medical care centre overnight since he was low in energy the previous evening when he finished playing with Daniel. It really brought tears to my eyes watching Daniel loveYyenil so much. Almost made me feel guilty at not having given him a sibling..but then that’s another story :)
What provokes me here if the realisation of a need that every human being, whether adult or child has...the need to love. The need to be loved, feel protected, feel taken care of are all needs that we are well aware of. But the need to love, to care for another and be responsible for another is another need just as large as the first. When you care and love another, it fills up some pieces in your heart one by one, making you feel complete, worthy and needed. Being loved in a passive way can only create a temporary sense of happiness, a very beautiful feeling no doubt and one that I would always have..but what I have been inspired to think of now is how to fulfil this need to love. What is also awakens in me painfully is the hunger that someone may feel when there is no one to care for or be responsible for. I know for some this may seem daunting and being independent and alone without “liabilities” is a feeling I respect. But having said that I would still want everyone to experience this. I saw the warm glow and beautiful smile it brought to Daniel’s face and I know that was total bliss.
But how about also providing others with the chance to love us and care for us. Being too independent, able to take care of oneself, not being affected if the other in your life does not look after you but boldly fulfilling all your needs on your own. Ever wondered what that would do to the significant others in your life. I suppose it would make them feel less wanted, less important and deny them that wonderful feeling of being able to care for you. So go ahead, depend on someone, sulk if they don’t do things for you, complain if they don’t hug you enough, let them do somethings that only they can do for you.i know I may have been guilty of not doing enough of this...and wish I could be more ‘dependent”. Anyone out there who wants to feel needed?? Reach out to me :) and anyone in need of looking after, we are able and wiling :)
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